Re-hosting incase it get’s taken down.

Original: http://youshouldhaveseenthis.com/

(In No Particular Order)

01) Grape Stomp

02) Charlie Bit Me

03) Chocolate Rain

04) Dancing Baby

05) Post Secret

06) Charlie The Unicorn

07) Mentos and Diet Coke

08) Numa Numa

09) Peanut Butter Jelly Time

(continue reading…)

In the beginning there was a plan. Then came the assumptions. The plan
was without substance. The assumptions were without form. Darkness was
upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves saying: “It is a crock of shit and
it stinketh!”

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said: “It is a pail
of dung and none may abide the odour thereof!”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying: “It is a
container of excrement and it is very strong, Such that none may
abide by it!”

And the Managers went unto the Management Committee saying: “It is a
vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength!”

And the Management Committee spoke amongst itself saying unto one
another:

“It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong!”

And the Management Committee gave counsel unto the Vice Presidents
saying unto them: “It promotes growth and it is very powerful!”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto him:
“This new plan will activily promote the growth and vigour of the
company with powerful effects!”

And the President looked upon the plan and saw that it was good. And
so the plan became policy.

And that’s how shit happens.

* Adveturous = likes anal
* Athletic = small breasts
* Thirtysomething = 41
* Fun = annoying
* Wild = gets drunk easily
* Beutiful eyes = ugly
* Seeks knight in shining armour = Husband fucked off with a younger model
* New age = hairy and smelly
* Headstrong = argumentative
* Enjoys pubbing and clubbing = alcoholic
* Curvy = fat
* Cuddly = fat
* Likes eating out = lazy
* Career woman = bitch
* Professional = complete bitch
* Open minded = dirty bitch
* Free spirit = on drugs and fucked up
* Passionate = dying for a shag
* Old fashioned = no blow jobs
* Seeking soul mate = stalker

Reproduced from Tweeker’s Blogspot

See also: 50 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. I’m pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, it’s his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when he’s touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you’re a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. It’s ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3-some. It’s the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It’s another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can’t jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

Enjoy :)

At age 4, success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is…having friends.
At age 16, success is…having a driver’s license.
At age 20, success is…having sex.
At age 35, success is…having money.
At age 50, success is…having money.
At age 60, success is…having sex.
At age 70, success is…having a driver’s license.
At age 75, success is…having friends.
At age 90, success is…not peeing in your pants.

Consider this,

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, unfourtanetly she had a boyfriend.

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you…”
but the girl said, “NO!”

Johnny said, “I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend…
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up
the money very fast…
he won’t even be able to get his pants down.

She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened…She said, “The bastard used quarters!”

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it’s entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed

1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a “tittle.”
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
6. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
7. The ‘spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
9. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
10. Chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
15. Upper and lower case letters are named ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in  case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.
16. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
21. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.
22. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
23. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
24. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
25. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
26. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a truely civilized society.)
27. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
28. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples!
29. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
30. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
31. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
32. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

If you bought $1000 of stock a year ago, you would now have:

$91.28 if you bought Washington Mutual

$37.50 if you bought Neomagic

$21.29 if you bought Freddie Mac

$20.79 if you bought Fannie Mae

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the recycling REFUND… You would have $… 214.00 in cash.